Staring at the polished surface, willing ripples to flow

Not that I am a big believer on horoscopes, but being the ’86 baby that I am, I can’t help but feel the urge to snap on the hind legs of the wittle wabbit that dared to end the tiger’s reign. 2010 was my year. I was not acutely aware of this as I coasted through the year of the Fire Tiger, but with the perspective aura that seems to come with the new year, I must give the Self a little credit. For what? I dunno, for growing up a little. For being a little more responsible. For trying to hold on to a living, to find a life worth living.

2010 was the year of introspection. I remained employed but career-less, having abandoned the American dream for the comforts of Zamboanga City.  For the second time in my life after the great Send-off of 2007, I had a job that tied me to the internet for 8++ hours, but this time, it was the real deal. Bosses, assignments, targets and goals. I was treated more like an adult and the word responsibility took on a  whole new meaning.  I relished the opportunity, even more the glory of a job successfully completed. My efforts have been recognized and I thank God for allowing me to excel in my workplace. I still have my insecurities, but the child in me that is my Ego is slowly getting replaced with the mature and steady Confidence – the result of honest work and perseverance. Screw the hormones of adolescence. Adulthood is twice the fun.

I dallied the web for the laughs, mundane and the profane and instead, found kindred spirits who inspired me to become a better person. It is true that we depend on the kindness of strangers. For now, these kind souls will remain nameless as I am too much of a social retard to initiate introductory protocols. I secretly rejoiced in their successes and admired their courage. I hope to be like them in the future: strong, independent, capable. My generation is made of awesome.

I discovered the internet – again. I was weaned off torrents and was spoiled rotten by the instant gratification of DDLs and Megaupload. Anime remained a passion and the Big Bang Theory made my inner geek proud. Plurk trumped Twitter and I bid goodbye to an old blog which has witnessed much of my turmoil and inner angst.

Before, writing was for vanity. Now, it has humbled me. Writing has become my bread and butter, the one thing that keeps me from being an insignificant dot. I am grateful, profoundly so, that I am able to write.Without the written word, I will turn into a cabbage which will wilt and die an inglorious death.

A past experience which I have sworn to secrecy reared its ugly head, and while I feel vindicated, it has strained the ties that bind my family. I pretend not to be offended at the silly words that fly between us, but the truth is I am. It was always family first and sometimes, I think my devotion to my kin was what cost me my relationship with my peers and friends. As I learn to be more independent, I am learning to let go. My world will no longer revolve around the family.

I found my dad again and we made amends. I discovered National Bookstore Online and am happily resuming my childhood joy of reading. I think I spent more money for myself in 2010 and I find that it is good. Good books, long necklaces, nail polish and shoes. I traveled, too. Cebu and Dumaguete, where I got green at the comfortable lifestyle of well-off relatives.

This 2011, the year of the wong-eared wabbit, I want to do more but I don’t have the list or the plan. Planning never got me anywhere, so mebbe I’ll try making it up as I go. For sure, I need to dig deeper to be able to purchase my own laptop, then I can retire to my bed. Yes, I have weird priorities /fail. I want to find someone who’ll think that I am wonderful the way that I am, because I sure as hell don’t think that way. More cheers and less melodrama, please :)

Wish me a 2011 made of sunshine, liquid luck and win.


4 thoughts on “Staring at the polished surface, willing ripples to flow

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